Good Bye To You
by Samantha20
Summary: After the Ascension, Buffy reflects on Angel leaving, and what he means to her. Song is 'good bye to you' by Michelle Branch.


Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch.  
  
After Graduation Buffy reflects on Angel's leaving.  
  
Of all the things I believed in,  
  
I just want to get it over with,  
  
tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry,  
  
counting the days that passed me by,  
  
I've been searching deep down in my soul,  
  
the words that I'm hearing are starting to get old,  
  
feels like I'm starting all over again,  
  
the last three years were just pretend,  
  
It's crazy you know.  
  
I feel like I'm lost. Like when he left he took part of me with him, and not matter where I look to find it, I know I never will.  
  
I'm trying to make him proud of me. Trying to have a normal life, and still be the Slayer, but I never knew just how hard that would be.  
  
I go to class, hang with my friends, patrol, whatever.  
  
But it's not living. Every action is mechanical, like it was pre-ordained thousands of years ago.  
  
But everything is just so hard now. I can't say good bye to anyone again.  
  
I just can't.  
  
and I said,  
  
good bye to you,  
  
good bye to everything that I knew,  
  
you were the one I loved,  
  
the one thing that I tried to hold on to,  
  
I can still see him, standing there.  
  
I can still see the smoke clear, and see him staring at me.  
  
I can feel the tension in the air, all of the unspoken words between us, the two words that may have given us both peace. All our unspoken words, our unspoken 'I love you', 'I'm sorry' and 'Good bye's.  
  
I said it to Willow, I can't breathe without him, and that makes me a pretty pathetic creature. But then, now when I think about it, I don't want to breathe without him.  
  
I told him once that when he kissed me I wanted to die.  
  
Dumb as it sounds, I can't breathe without him, and I wanted to die when he kissed me.  
  
Maybe this death wish is a Slayer thing.  
  
But that just hurts even more, if I was dead I could still be with him.  
  
I still get lost in your eyes,  
  
and it seems that I cant live a day without you,  
  
closing my eyes and u chase my thought away,  
  
to a place where I'm blinded by the light,  
  
but its not right,  
  
I can remember all of the good times I had with Angel. Slaying, studying, just hanging out at the Bronze, the time we went out for coffee, and the time I showed up looking trashed on our first 'official' date.  
  
But it takes me a minute to remember all of the bad things, strange though. A lot of those bad things still haunt my dreams.  
  
I can remember when he wanted to kill my friends, and he beat me down once I blew the Judge up, how he sneered about loving me, how he acted after we made love.  
  
I can reach up to touch my cheeks and feel the moisture there. I can't feel it, but I know that I'm crying.  
  
good bye to you,  
  
good bye to everything that I knew,  
  
you were the one I loved,  
  
the one thing that I tried to hold on to,  
  
I lie on my back, and look out of the window. Angel and I used to look at the stars all of the time. We'd just sit somewhere and look up.  
  
We didn't even need to talk, just being together was enough for us.  
  
I wanted him so badly, and I know that deep inside he wanted me. But we both knew that we couldn't, so neither of us pressed the point.  
  
I miss him, my Angel. He gave me something to live for, and somewhere to run too when I needed to feel safe.  
  
and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,  
  
I want what's yours and I, want what's mine,  
  
I want you but I'm not giving in this time,  
  
When I close my eyes I can still see him. Still see his big brown eyes that give the word soulful a new meaning, I can still see his lop-sided smile, which was always as rare as a double rainbow, only twice as precious.  
  
I can still remember how it feels to dance with him, to kiss him, to hold him and lose myself in his arms, in the only safety there is for me.  
  
Sometimes I'm glad we never had to say 'good bye', but then sometimes I wonder if we should've, if that would have closed the door, and left me to able to move on.  
  
good bye to you,  
  
good bye to everything that I knew,  
  
you were the one I loved,  
  
the one thing that I tried to hold on to,  
  
the one thing that I tried to hold on to,  
  
good bye to you,  
  
good bye to everything that I knew,  
  
you were the one I loved,  
  
the one thing that I tried to hold on to,  
  
All said and done, I miss him and I wish he was here with me, but he's not. I know that wherever we go, that whatever happens, Angel will be there for me when I need him the most.  
  
I lay back on my bed, pulling Mr. Gordo out from under my head, and cuddling him.  
  
Outside the stars go on shining, and I promise myself that when Angel comes back to me, one day, that I'll be waiting for him.  
  
and when the stars fall I will lie awake,  
you're my shooting star 


End file.
